“If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal”. 1 Corinthians 13:1
I have always had this overpowering love inside of me for people ever since I was little but didn’t know what it was, where it came from or why I had to have it. Always dealing with feelings that I was “too much”, trying to defend myself constantly that I didn’t like every guy that I showed compassion towards or that I wasn’t gay because I loved my girls so much. And to top it off I’m a very touchy person I use to always want to hold my girlfriends hands or link arms with them which was okay until I started to get older….then everyone would say it was “gay”….a thought that never crossed my mind until people started saying it to me.
From a very young age I knew I wanted to save myself until marriage mainly out of fear that a man would leave me, It was so normal to me even though people around me were having sex they knew I wasn’t and I was sooooo grossed out by even the thought so people would just laugh and say “oh we can’t talk about this around Heather” I was always the “baby” because I wasn’t experienced like everyone else but that was cool with me. While everyone was in and out of relationships I just avoided them, I was so in tune with what everyone was dealing with in high school that I felt those issues were all I needed to worry about, a guy was so out of mind. Plus I liked the idea of being spoiled and treated like a “Princess” by all my guy friends in school instead of narrowing it down to having an actual boyfriend.
That right there is where it all began, multiple men, a lot of guys feeding me attention and spoiling me. I wasn’t doing anything with them just simply being their friends so I didn’t see myself being in the wrong at all. These guys weren’t just the average guys though, they were in gangs, in and out of jail, fighting, and selling drugs…but I had sooo much love for them, genuinely I did and still to this day do but I was in rescue mode and that’s where I fell. I couldn’t save people, as much as I wanted to and as much as I said I understood I didn’t. I didn’t know the pain they went through and I could never feel hurt that they felt but that didn’t stop me. Senior year is when it went bad, I never put out so much love at once to be completely crushed by reality. (that story I’m still working on sharing, don’t have all the courage yet)
Now my love was crushed, I no longer knew what love was suppose to look like or how it was suppose to play out. I remember going to college being so afraid to allow people to get close to me, I was making a lot of friends with out even trying I have always had something about me that people attract to me and it always freaked me out because I never saw what others saw in me, I never felt pretty at all so I would be so confused why people would say I was it was just a constant fight to understand what people really saw in me. But freshman year we had a group of girls they called the “Dub Club” we were “cute sweet and loved everyone”. The first few months it was great I loved the attention and finally felt like I was “happy” again, it was always us girls and the basketball team (basketball men, :/ another topic I will go back to). The captain of the team had been crushing on me for a good while and we were friends so when he told me he liked me I thought because I thought he was cute I liked him too. This is where my love with men continued to be destroyed. The Lord is still working on this topic with me so we still have some things Him and I need to talk about before I share with you all.
I’m going to go back to all the in between time where love was destroyed, and then tell you about the day I fell in love with my savior, the one who was loving me the whole time!!! I am so excited to share with you loves the things the Lord has taught me and I pray it be a blessing to someone. This is only the beginning of what He is teaching me but I know I was always seeking answers from someone to just be transparent with me and to be open about their struggles so I’m praying the Lord will use me in that way to reach out to some of you all!